did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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