I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
