I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
