The maid of honor just puked.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
