this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
