Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
