i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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