i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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