when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
