My friends, they love my intelligence
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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