you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
