My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
