hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
