we have pet lesbian snakes
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
