my soul wont recognize me after tonight
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
