My underwear smells like fireworks.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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