i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
