I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
