My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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