omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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