The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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