please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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