i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
