I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
