Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
