why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i think i just lost a toe
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
