Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
