My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
