New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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