I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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