I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
