I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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