And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
