Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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