he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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