Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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