Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
