I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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