i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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