I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
