I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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