i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
