Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We're too hungover to prance.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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