under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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