loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
