Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
