Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
