Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
