Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She's the barista slut.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
