All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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